habits

I have always been very uncomfortable talking about my work to other people. This is both in front of groups and on a one on one basis. It was pointed out to me than during these conversations I am constantly ‘fidgetting’ or ‘messing’ with something else, for example tapping a pen, biting my nails, playing with my phone. These actions might be distractions, me trying to distract myself from the situation, giving my mind something else to focus on. Instead of talking and explaining myself/listening and taking onboard what others are saying to me, I would be focused on folding a piece of paper over and over again, spinning my phone round repeatedly or other similar actions. This got me thinking of the audience for these small actions and habits.  The audience for these actions is me, and for me they are a comforting thing. I do these to make myself feel better when something I don’t really enjoy is happening.; to take the focus away and onto something else. This is not intentional, during crits and tutorials I really do try to listen and get something from them, for some reason clicking the end of a pen as fast as possible seems far more important at the time.  I never really think about the people who may be watching me and noticing these habits. Though I do these actions to relieve nerves, to those watching me, it will probably emphasize what I am trying to cover up.

 

As the audience for these actions are usually only myself, I wondered what it would be like if I filmed myself talking about my work and performing these actions. I wonder how it would change the meaning by where/or how it was viewed. We have an exhibition in the atrium gallery in the hospital, which is a cancer treatment ward. To have a personal nervous habit displayed in this environment I think could change the meaning. A lot of the patients in there may be nervous themselves, waiting for results or being treated for serious illnesses, they may perform their own versions of these habits while waiting in the hospital. I think in a way it could be a bad thing, it could add to the tension of the viewers of the video. Highlighting un comfortableness awkwardness and nervousness, but it could also be quite interesting. Would it increase the level of tension?